Delirious
by Ruthless Bunny
Summary: Cameron's latest blog entry.


Delirious

I can't believe how long it's been since I've updated this blog. I really need to get a life. Work has gotten complicated. Really complicated. The thing is that it didn't have to, but as usual, I just pushed and pushed until it all broke.

My boss is one of those guys you know you should stay away from. Far away. He's older than I am, he's super-smart and not bad to look at. I especially love his eyes. At any rate he's been making comments about me. We'll be in meetings and he'll say something about how cute I am. It's really dismissive and sexist. But he's the "Great Doctor" and I know that I wouldn't be on his team if I hadn't earned my place there, so I let it go.

Lately I've been getting the impression that the other doctors are viewing me the same way. Although they've got their labels as well. One is "screw-up" and the other is "criminal." It's a wonder we work at a prestigious hospital at all.

At any rate, any normal girl would be filing EEO complaints, not me. Nope, I develop a monster crush on the guy. And he knows. There's no way he doesn't know.

So a couple of weeks ago he got two tickets to a monster truck rally. (Are you laughing yet?) He asked nearly everyone he could think of before he got to me. So, what would a normal person do? A normal person would have declined. I mean, it's not like I like monster trucks. I would have preferred to have curled up on my sofa, eaten some ice cream and read a book, but no, I agreed to go.

I haven't done anything that stupid since High School. He asked, and I got all "bajiggity" (go rent 'The Sweetest Thing' if you haven't seen it.) Oh, and I was so excited to be out with him that I had a great time. Sad. I am a sad girl.

I decided that I needed to get more credibility at work. I'm not all that assertive, so I got some books about negotiating and studied up. I figured if I could get the other doctors to take me seriously, to give my ideas and thoughts consideration, that I could rehabilitate my reputation. I really don't want to be the 'cute piece' of Diagnostic Medicine.

So what happens? Do I gain the respect of my colleagues? No. He figures it out instantly and accuses me of manipulating everyone, especially him. So I can see that I've not only failed in the respect department, but he now thinks that I'm an idiot for the way that I've approached it. Naturally I get weepy out of frustration. I say that no one pays any attention to me because they don't like me. So he says that everyone likes me. I guess he thinks that I need to be the Homecoming Queen or something. Missed the point completely. It's about respect, not about being liked. That made me even more aggravated, so I asked him if HE liked me.

I mean, I had to know. Was I really an affirmative action hire? Did he really hire me for my butt? If he doesn't respect me why DID he hire me? So what does he say? No.

No explanation at all just…No. Now I feel like a total moron. I look like Susie Creamcheese. I just want everyone to like me. Thank God I managed to hold it together. I didn't cry, I just walked away.

Here's where it gets sick. A normal person would be getting her resume together. Do I? No, I'm delirious. I saw about six emotions pass across the man's face and I've convinced myself that he's lying about it. Or messing with me, or something. He likes me. He at least tolerates me. No? No? Is that all he can say?

I try to get one of my colleagues to talk to me about it. I pulled him aside and told him a bit about it. I was hoping that I could get a man's perspective. I wanted assurance. So I could happily continue in my job, mooning over my boss and nursing a crush. Infatuation, it's better than Crack.

So what does this guy do? He's clowning me. I pour my heart out to him and he's ridiculing me. I admit, I was down on my hands and knees begging for it, but did he have to be so mean?

This whole situation is so out of control. We've got a new head honcho at the hospital and he's gunning for the whole department. Nothing good is going to be coming out of my job anytime soon.

I can see this clearly, I need to get out of this situation. I can't bring myself to do it. I love sitting here in the dark, listening to the rain fall, fantasizing about a romance that will never happen.

I think it's because in the past few years my life has been too real. I just want to be in a place where I can float for a while. I love my work. I don't love anything else about my job.

I hope I find the strength to leave. I know that I won't.


End file.
